Silly Git
by Mrs. Ron Weasley1
Summary: After pining away for Remus in the privacy of his own somewhat silly imagination, Sirius gets some rather startling news that makes him rethink his quiet stance entirely. *SLASH*
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I do not, nor will I ever own these two amazing men. They belong to J.K. Rowling and her publishers, and I couldn't make money off this if I tried!  
  
ORIGINALLY POSTED: 2/02, SBRL Mailing List  
  
NOTES: Written as a response to a fun Lupercalia challenge over at the mailing list. Thanks for the great idea, Thwart! :) Just so people know and are not confused – the story begins somewhere a week before Lupercalia, which is celebrated on February 15th.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Part 1.  
  
"James?"  
  
"Mmm?"  
  
"Do you remember what happens in a week?"  
  
James' previously ducked head snapped up and blinked thoughtlessly at Lily. "Why?"  
  
"Think about it."  
  
"I've thought about it. It's going to be a Friday," he winked at his exasperated girlfriend and went back to his homework, sucking loudly on a sugar quill. Lily confirmed her exasperation with an appropriate noise and, throwing up her hands to the heavens, stalked off.  
  
"Aw, c'mon, Lil, of course he remembers!" Sirius called after her, but too late – she was already gone, probably pouting in the girls' dormitory. He grinned and looked at James – maybe his friend really was clueless, he sure seemed like it at times… But then, James has always had that gift of hiding his true knowledge and showing it at the most inopportune times, such as when Sirius was being particularly thick. Then he would deem it appropriate to point it out to him – loudly. Really, though, who wouldn't know that it was Valentine's Day in a week?  
  
Sirius noticed Remus smirking slightly as he also looked at James, but then the smirk disappeared, leaving a look of a very pensive and almost sad werewolf. Hmm, he's sad again… Now, what is it this time? Surely not the moon – the moon had passed two days ago, and Remus was feeling much better – at least that's what he told them. Padfoot had done his best at cleaning all the wounds, and making sure that Moony didn't hurt himself too badly this time, taking most of the bites and gashes onto himself. It was actually a relatively painless transformation, and Remus seemed pretty grateful – even if he didn't say as much. Sirius smiled a little – his Remus was never good at expressing all his emotions, even though he was one of the most eloquent people he knew…  
  
Wait a minute – his Remus? Where had that come from?  
  
Knowing he was blushing, Sirius hid his face behind his hair and pretended to be doing his homework – a very good cover-up, he thought, looking down at his blank parchment. Not that Remus was looking… he rarely did. Not the way Sirius wanted, anyway… He didn't know when exactly it had started… it just seemed to have come out of nowhere – one day, he looked up and saw… Remus. Not one of his best friends, not a fellow Marauder, a brother, a fellow mischief maker, a young werewolf, but… Remus. A beautiful, intelligent, fascinating human being that desperately needed to be loved. By Sirius. And no one else.  
  
Sirius never thought of himself as gay or bi or straight… he was just Sirius. He'd gone out with a few girls, broke a few hearts, had a little fun, and had always come back to his friends for closeness, because they were the ones who truly cared for him. They were… well, them. There was really no word good enough to describe what he felt for his friends, and, really, there was no need to find one. He knew he'd give his life for either one – or all – of them, and they would do the same for him. He had yet to meet a girl who made him feel the same way. Perhaps that's why when it finally hit him that he was feeling something more for Remus than for James, or Peter, or Lily – or anyone, for that matter – he had embraced it. And had become wary of it. After all, Remus was very… unapproachable in that way.  
  
He was a close and dear friend – in some ways, maybe even closer than James, though that was hard to achieve. But coming up to him and saying "Hey, Remus, d'you know? I think I quite fancy you!" just didn't seem feasible – or appealing, for that matter. At best, Remus would let the statement slide, and at worst laugh at him and call the friendship off entirely. No, of course Moony wouldn't laugh at him – he was too good, and knew too well what it felt like to be scared of someone laughing at your deepest secrets. The boy wasn't a werewolf for nothing. But Remus couldn't return his feelings. Why would he? Sure, Sirius was considered handsome – in fact, he readily agreed with anyone who made that assessment. But he just wasn't… good enough for Remus. Remus deserved someone who was more… intelligent, more kind, more… everything. Sirius knew he was too impetuous, and that his attention span could last no longer than an average- length Quidditch match. He wasn't a stupid bloke, but he wasn't like Remus. Not at all. Remus possessed the kindest, deepest understanding of everything around him. Sirius knew that his thoughts were too pretty, too – good god, girly? – but he couldn't help it. He'd finally realized that he, Sirius Black, was in love with Remus Lupin, his best male friend. Just his luck…  
  
He sighed and looked down at his parchment. Oh… holy… god. He really was turning into a puddle of mush. Seemingly out of nowhere, Remus' name had appeared on his parchment – over, and over, and over… Sirius crumpled the parchment angrily in his hand, threw it across the room straight into the garbage and stalked off to a mirror to make sure that he was still, in fact, a man. 


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2.  
  
Sirius was sitting in purgatory, otherwise known as the History of Magic class. He equated it to purgatory because that's exactly what it felt like – an eternity of waiting for something while in the most boring place imaginable. In his case, he was waiting for lunch – heaven in his world, naturally. Belatedly realizing that his mouth was hanging open for the whole class to see, supported merely by the hand under his chin, and his eyes were decidedly not fixed on Professor Binns, but on some strange blue bird outside, he snapped his jaw shut and blinked a few times, trying to focus on the transparent speaker. Frowning, he realized that someone was sniggering, and his suspicions were confirmed when he turned to his left and saw a giggling Lily, giving him amused side glances. Sticking his tongue out slightly at her to show that he was above such teasing, he turned away and looked to his right, instead.  
  
Bad idea. He was greeted by the sight of Remus.  
  
The other boy obviously had a much bigger attention span, one that actually allowed him to listen to the droning Professor and take notes at the same time, his quill moving ceaselessly. Sirius cocked his head a little and noticed how the afternoon sun was spilling into the classroom, illuminating Moony's light brown hair and beautiful pale face. The shadows under his eyes had lightened considerably since the last full moon, and he was looking much healthier for it – as expected, given the time of the month. He seemed oblivious to Sirius' scrutiny, his eyebrows drawn in concentration, strong mouth silently repeating the Professor's words as he wrote, occasionally dipping his quill in ink.  
  
Sirius found himself unfortunately aroused.  
  
Deciding that looking away was definitely the best option in this situation, he did so and concentrated hard on not falling asleep once again. Smirking slightly, he noticed how the sun was peering straight through his Professor, and wondered if for just a few moments the man would not feel like a bucket of ice if he walked through him. That thought had taken care of his problem right there.  
  
Suddenly, something light fell on his desk, right onto his piece of parchment that was still devoid of any writing. Looking around him, Sirius noticed Lily staring at him with interest, her eyes indicating for him to read the note. Right before he opened it, her gaze swiftly went to his right and straight back at him. Confused, Sirius looked down at the note and opened it:  
  
"Lupercalia – Roman Festival, celebrated on February 15, marks the choosing of a wolf's mate.  
  
Any takers, love?"  
  
Paling, he snapped his widened eyes back up to Lily and she nodded slightly, smiling, before proceeding to take notes as if nothing earth shattering had just taken place.  
  
Which it had. Most definitely.  
  
Remus had to choose a mate in two days. Or maybe a year and two days?.. Or had he already chosen, without telling them? No, of course not, he would have told them… He wouldn't hide something like that… or would he? Racking his brain for anyone that could possibly be considered Remus'… mate… Sirius could come up with none. No, that was definitely not the case, yet.  
  
Any takers… Damn Lily and her intuitiveness. Did she have to know everything? Sirius decided that if she and James ever got married, their kid would have a hell of a time trying to get anything past them. They were like hawks, those two.  
  
Any takers… He only wished… But this explained Remus' sudden withdrawn stance. He had a choice to make… Knowing Remus, he probably resented that fact, just like he resented everything else that had anything to do with his curse. This sudden flash of insightfulness surprised Sirius greatly, as he folded the note, then promptly pocketed it, and he decided to talk to Remus. Maybe he could help him somehow?.. Probably not, his insightful side told him. Sighing, he risked another glance at Moony and felt a stirring, this time somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. It was a churning, nervous and pleasant at the same time. He'd felt it before. He felt it the first time he looked at Remus and realized that he was in love with him. He felt it every time Remus smiled at him. He wanted to feel it again – and always.  
  
The bell snapped him out of his slightly melancholy thoughts, and Sirius quickly put away his blank parchment and unused quill. Looking over at Lily, he groaned inwardly as she beckoned him to follow her. James, who had bounded up to them a second later with Peter in tow, raised his eyebrows slightly when Lily told him that she wanted to talk to Sirius alone, but said nothing as his girlfriend lead Sirius out by his sleeve a second later. Sirius only had time to notice the look of mild surprise on Moony's face as he had finished gathering up his things.  
  
"What, Lil?" he muttered the second they were out of earshot.  
  
"I need to talk to you," she said, as if that was supposed to explain everything, and kept tugging at his sleeve. He had a sudden flashback to his childhood, his mother leading him out of Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor in Diagon Alley after he had "accidentally" spilled his pumpkin juice onto some old witch, who had offered to buy him another, smiling, her wand fixed on him the whole time. Smirking, he freed his arm and answered:  
  
"Yes, mum. Where we going, anyway?"  
  
"Library."  
  
"'Course…" he groaned, cursing the day James ever got involved with a Prefect turned Head Girl. He decided the ignore the fact that James himself was a Prefect turned Head Boy, and that Lily was more than prone to mischief herself. When they had finally trekked up the stairs and into the "world of knowledge" as Lily liked to call it in moments of wide-eyed curiosity, Sirius remembered that he was missing lunch.  
  
"All right, make it quick, Lil, I'm hungry."  
  
"Fine." She answered, and slid her rucksack off her shoulders. "Now, what are you going to do about Lupercalia?" She was eyeing him seriously, her arms folded at her chest.  
  
"Why me?" he attempted lamely, knowing she wouldn't him skive off the topic for a second.  
  
"You know perfectly well why. Sirius, it's written all over your face. You love him."  
  
Blushing and hating every second of it, Sirius raked a hand through his messy black hair, and let out a huff of air.  
  
"I do." It was the first time he'd said at out loud to anyone, and it felt… nice. "I love him…" he tried it again. It didn't sound any less… nice.  
  
"Well, then?"  
  
"Well, then, what?" he asked irritably. "It's obvious he doesn't feel the same way, so what would I say? 'Hey, Moony, I heard you're looking for a mate, fancy giving it a go with me?' Ha!" he barked. It would never work.  
  
"It's not," she said quietly.  
  
"It's not what?"  
  
"Not obvious. You're just too busy wallowing in your own self pity to notice anything." She added.  
  
"Pardon? Self pity?" he asked, when the last thing she had said suddenly hit him. "Wait, what? Notice anything? What do you mean?" he demanded, looking her straight in the eye, hoping against hope...  
  
"I mean, you never know, Sirius. I don't know anything for a fact…" Sirius slumped visibly, and she gently reached out and touched his arm. "But it's not out of the question." Fixing him with her unfathomable green eyes, she smiled: "Look, Sirius, think about it. Who could take better care of him? Who would love him the way you do? I know that a lot of people could love him, he's quite an amazing person, but why would you want any of them with him? You know him, he's your best friend. You help him. He knows that. He understands it."  
  
"But he doesn't /love/ me, Lily!" he exclaimed loudly, startling even himself. Lowering his voice, he continued: "Look, I don't… I don't want to force myself on him. I don't want him to take me for those reasons…"  
  
"Then let him take you for yours." She gave him another reassuring smile, and left, planting a doubt and a choice in his mind. Remembering that he was, after all, Sirius Black, he decided that he'd be damned if he didn't at least try to make the best of the two. 


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3.  
  
Sirius found Remus, along with the rest of the Marauders, in the Great Hall finishing up lunch. Lily was already talking to James as if nothing had happened, and he found himself grateful and in awe of her talent of not betraying her feelings as easily as he did. The girl could keep secrets. Of course, God help him them both if she couldn't.  
  
"There you are, Padfoot!" exclaimed James, looking at Sirius as the long haired boy slumped down on the bench next to him and silently helped himself to some baked chicken. "Are you all right?" There was surprise in his tone.  
  
"Fine," muttered Sirius, knowing that he should at least attempt to look cheerful and his usual self. He chanced a glance at Remus and found him staring back, almond-shaped hazel eyes looking concerned. He smiled at the unasked question, and looked back at James: "Sorry, just still haven't come out of my History of Magic stupor. No wonder the man is dead – he could talk anyone into their grave."  
  
"That he could!" chuckled James, stuffing his mouth with his last forkful of mashed potatoes. Peter smiled appreciatively, munching on some bread. Remus snorted, and the concern in his eyes flickered out as he smirked at Sirius and took a sip of his juice. Ok, so he'd passed the "concern test" and nobody will suspect anything. Sirius might have been ready to talk to Remus, but he certainly wasn't ready to announce it in front of the whole school, and certainly not with James and Peter there. He was pretty sure that open-minded as they were, there was still a slight chance of either one choking on their lunch at the sight of Sirius dropping to one knee in front of Remus. If, indeed, he was going to do that. Most likely not.  
  
"Well," James croaked as he got up, dropping his napkin onto the table, "We should get going. Potions next." A collective groan confirmed the distressing fact. Potions was quite interesting – but it was the Slytherins that they shared their class with that were intolerable. Indeed, you were hard-pressed to find any agreeable Slytherins, though Sirius had heard some reports of such about. He mostly believed them to be the stuff of legends, and not readily believable.  
  
He stuffed as much bread into his mouth as would fit, and left the Great Hall with James, Remus, Peter, Lily and a breathing problem. After having swallowed the remnants of his mushed-up bread and feeling his face turn back to its normal pink color from the alarming purple it had become for a moment, Sirius descended into the dungeons to endure another painful hour full of – shudder – Snape, Crabbe, Goyle and the rest of those wankers. Maybe he could throw a dungbomb into one of their cauldrons or something… It would probably cost him twenty points from Gryffindor, but the next Quidditch match would certainly take care of that, and the looks on those idiots' faces would be well worth any disapproving look he could get from the Potions Master. Chuckling to himself, he caught up with Remus.  
  
"Say, Moony, how have you been?" he said, sounding obnoxiously cheerful.  
  
"Fine… What's up with you?" Remus heaved his bag a bit more onto his shoulders.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You're acting like a maniac today, that's all." He raised his eyebrow, and Sirius had to stifle a groan. "First you're drooling in class," Sirius felt his cheeks heat up, "Then you look like Quidditch has been cancelled for the rest of the year, then you prance about like Christmas came early instead." Remus drew breath. "Obviously, you're normally a bit off your rocker, but today you just seem especially so." He smiled wryly.  
  
"What, you keeping score of my moods?" Sirius chuckled, and to his surprise, found Remus blushing ever so slightly. It was very becoming… He cleared his throat, and ventured an explanation: "Well, actually, I've just received some, er, news today. Actually, I… er…" Courage, he told himself, courage, man! "I wanted to talk you about that today. D'you… d'you think we could, I dunno, walk around the lake a bit before dinner?" he rushed the last sentence as if there was a flesh-eating animal snapping at his heels. A wolf, for instance.  
  
"Er…" Remus' eyebrows lifted in slight surprise, and Sirius realized that they hadn't been alone in a while. It was simply like that – whatever they did, the Marauders all did it together, and taking a walk around the lake was something Sirius actually did with girls – quite alone. "Sure… What is it?"  
  
"I'll tell you later, I'd rather not… not t-talk about it right now…" Sirius found himself stammering, and kicked his own arse inwardly. Stop it, stop it, you'll be fine, he told himself. He could do this.  
  
The next moment found them all in the classroom, and much to his relief they were all ushered to their places, thus putting an effective stop to any conversation. Looking around, Sirius sneered as Snape walked in followed by his cronies, giving him a withering look.  
  
"Wanker…" Sirius muttered, James agreeing with a snort.  
  
Soon, they were all emerged in the putrid world of cauldrons, bubbling liquids, dung beetles and pickled newts' livers. After having slightly mucked up his Trembling Solution ("Your enemies won't know what hit them! Potion psychology – if they're trembling, they'll know they're scared!"), Sirius tried hard not to laugh too much as Peter found himself shaking so violently, that Professor Drazhit had to restrain him with rope before he could administer the anti-dote.  
  
"Sorry, Peter, should've put in less snake eyes, I reckon…" he chuckled, as Lily gave him a slightly disapproving look, trying not to giggle too much herself.  
  
Finally, after everyone had cleared up their cauldrons, the Slytherins having a bigger task of it after a "mysterious" explosion had left a good number of them covered in brown-greenish muck, smelling fouler than usual, the class filed out, Sirius with a direct order to report to Drazhit's office to serve his detention tomorrow night right after dinner.  
  
"That should take care of your Valentine's Day nicely, Mr. Black, and teach you a lesson or two." The Professor told him sternly. Sirius didn't much care – after all, it wasn't his first detention, and it certainly would not be his last if he had any say in the matter. He had more important things to take care of and worry about. Such as Moony.  
  
"Oh, that was great, did you see their faces?!" triumphed James as they left the classroom and headed for the dorms. He wasn't in on the joke until he caught Sirius looking at the mess smugly, but Sirius reckoned James could still claim it as partially his – after all, it was his dungbomb. Everybody else laughed appreciatively, especially considering the fact that for once, they didn't have to serve detention right alongside Sirius.  
  
"So, did you want to talk to me, Padfoot?" Sirius felt a tug on his sleeve and whipped around as he found himself face to face with Remus. Paling slightly, he nodded:  
  
"Yeah, let's just drop of our stuff up at the dormitory. We should probably get our cloaks, too, it's a bit cold out there…" Remus nodded silently and they followed the other three up the staircase.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The February air was biting, the wind ruffling their uncovered hair softly, yet with enough chill that it caused the skin on the back of both their necks to rise up in goose bumps. Sirius saw Remus pull his cloak more tightly around him, and admired the way his cheeks had become slightly rosy, adding vibrancy to the pale face. Clearing his throat against his slightly inappropriate thoughts – such as wondering what else would bring such vibrancy to that face – he fought his voice to work:  
  
"So…"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Well…" he pulled his muffler tighter around his neck to ward off the onslaught of a sudden gust of wind, and cleared his throat unnecessarily. His heart was beating rather loudly now, and he willed it to calm down. It won't do to become so nervous that he won't be able to even speak coherently.  
  
"You said you received some news?" asked Remus, trying to help him out.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"From home?"  
  
"No, not quite… From, ah, well, actually, it doesn't matter whom it was from. It's the news that counts, actually." Keeping Lily out of the line of fire seemed pretty wise right then.  
  
They were still walking, the lake on their right standing still from the ice. Sirius noticed that in some places the ice had cracked and swift ripples of dark water were making their way underneath it steadily.  
  
"Well, what is it?" laughed Remus. "Stop being so mysterious, it can't be that bad."  
  
"That depends…" he ventured.  
  
"Oh?" a curious eyebrow shot up. He could kill with those eyebrows. "On what?"  
  
"On you," Sirius answered, letting out a pent-up breath of air. It clouded around his face n disappeared into the wind.  
  
"On me?" Remus repeated, surprised.  
  
"Yes. It depends on how you'd… take it. It's about, er… well…"  
  
"Oh, come on, Padfoot, stop being so ridiculous. Out with it!" Remus chuckled again, shaking his head.  
  
All right, he could do this. Just say it. Say it. Lupercalia. Say it.  
  
"It's about Lupercalia." There. He'd said it. He turned to Remus, slightly triumphant at his own courage, but noticed that his friend wasn't there. He turned abruptly and found Remus standing a few steps behind him, his face pale and frozen in horror. "Remus? Are you all right?" he asked, knowing the answer full well. Sirius ventured a few steps towards him, not taking his eyes off Moony's ashen face, hazel eyes full of shock and anger. Anger? Oh, no… He groaned inwardly. "Remus, say something…"  
  
"What do you want me to say?" His voice was harsh, no trace of laughter left.  
  
"Something?.." Idiot. Remus let out a rough laugh, and looked away. Sirius waited. He wanted to run away, deep, deep into the forest, away from the look he now saw on Remus' face, but he knew that then he would lose his friend completely – if, indeed, he hadn't done so already.  
  
He waited a long time. His fingers had begun to stiffen with the cold, and he could feel the skin on his knuckles begin to crack slightly. Still he waited. Finally, Remus spoke:  
  
"Lupercalia. That's wonderful, Sirius. Why did you feel the sudden need to remind me of it?" An angry and sarcastic Remus was never a good sign.  
  
"I… Well…"  
  
"Yes?" He wasn't giving him a chance. The look in Remus' eyes was fit to kill. Sirius shivered and looked away.  
  
"I thought… that maybe… well… have you… umm…" God, he couldn't ask him. But Remus was waiting, a fact that amazed him considering the state his friend seemed to be in. "Have you… chosen anyone… a mate?" He raised his eyes to Remus', and could have screamed for what he saw. They were not angry as they had been a minute before. They held no trace of the previous terror. They were closed off, and he couldn't see past the expression on Remus' face. When Remus spoke, his tone was even and controlled, almost uncaring:  
  
"Why?"  
  
Sirius' heart leapt to his throat and seemed to settle there permanently. He couldn't tell him. This was… his secret… his fear… his small treasure… But it was also the reason he was here, in the first place. There was no choice, and he had to tell him.  
  
"Because I was wondering if you'd… have me." It had come out almost smoothly, the feeling behind the words leading them out of his mouth and into the air, waiting for Remus to respond. Sirius looked at him as if awaiting the ultimate judgment. Which, in a way, he reminded himself, he was.  
  
Remus' eyes widened and for a moment Sirius thought he had got through to him, but right away they closed back off and Remus took a menacing step towards him. Unconsciously, Sirius took a small step back. Even though Remus was shorter, he now seemed like a God, towering over him, descended from the Heavens to pronounce the final sentence. And it wasn't looking good.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why?!" Sirius asked incredulously, finding himself on the sudden verge of anger.  
  
"I'll tell you why." Remus continued in the same cold voice that was giving Sirius more chills than the winter air he was breathing. "Because you don't understand, do you? Because this is my problem! I have to deal with it! And I – don't – want to!" His voice had turned hoarse abruptly.  
  
"Your problem? I don't understand?" Oh, yes, Sirius was quite angry now. He was furious. How could Remus be so blind?!  
  
"Sirius, I don't want your pity! Do you even realize what that means? Mating for LIFE! You'd be bound to me! How could you EVER assume that I'd agree?!"  
  
"I love you!" Sirius shouted over the pounding in his chest. "I thought that maybe there was a chance you felt the same way!"  
  
He watched as Remus stopped short and tried to catch his breath, but a sudden burst of wind seemed to knock the air right out of him. He shut his eyes painfully tight, and when he opened them again, Sirius saw that they were slightly glazed. His own breathing was coming in in short gasps, as he wasn't immune to the power of the wind himself.  
  
"Please, Sirius… Leave it alone!" Remus' tone was suddenly pleading, his eyes imploring Sirius' to understand. But, what, Sirius didn't know.  
  
"Why, Moony?" it sounded breathless, and he found himself leaning in closer. "Why?"  
  
He knew the answer – Remus didn't love him. But until he heard those words from the other boy's lips, there would still be a glimmer of hope, and he couldn't allow that. He had to stop living in denial once and for all.  
  
"I can't… decide right now. I need to do this on my own… I… Please, Sirius." His voice had turned steady once again. Even. His eyes were downcast, and his cheeks were once again tinged with pink, the wind getting stronger. "Just… drop it." He finished quietly.  
  
Sirius knew he'd been defeated. There was no point. There was also no future. If he was lucky, Remus might still speak to him occasionally after this. But however beaten he felt, he found himself speaking once again:  
  
"Fine. Just promise me to think it over. I can't promise you a perfect life. I can't promise to be an angel. I can only offer you love – and I do love you, Moony. More than you know..." the last words came quieter. "I will love you for the rest of my life, whether I spend it with or without you. You have the offer. It will still stand until you decide either way." Sirius turned abruptly and fled back to the castle, the snow crunching under his swift feet, clumping on his shoes and weighing him down.  
  
Remus didn't follow. 


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4.  
  
The next day was possibly the worst day of Sirius' life. The night after his proposition, he couldn't bring himself to face Remus. So, he'd spent the time in the library, trying to write a Transfiguration essay with Lily sympathetically patting his arm every now and then, but he couldn't write a single word. At least not a word that would be deemed appropriate for a Transfiguration essay. He wanted to blame Lily, he really did, but the truth was that he would have done it anyway, Lupercalia or no. He knew that he couldn't have held out much longer and it just would have been prolonging the inevitable… God, how he hated it. He hated himself. He hated the way his heart seemed to have been turned bloodless, and his veins cold. He hated the way he wanted to cry out whenever Remus' harsh words came back to him, clear, as if they were being spoken at that moment. He wanted to hate Remus for doing this to him. And he hated that he could not.  
  
To make matters worse, that next day was Valentine's Day. James seemed almost apologetic to Sirius at breakfast as he adorned Lily's red hair with a single white rose, enchanted to stay in her hair for twenty-four hours and glow pale-silver light. Sirius figured that Lily must have told James something, and even if she didn't, Prongs could have cottoned on himself that things were not all right between his best friends. A fact easily apparent from complete lack of conversation or eye contact. Or any contact.  
  
The rest of the day passed miserably enough, filled with giggling couples coming out of the woodwork, seemingly just to taunt and laugh at Sirius and his complete lack of reciprocity in the love department.  
  
It hurt so damn much. At first it was a sharp pain, stabbing him endlessly as his eyes would accidentally pass over Remus' figure. Remus didn't look at him. He didn't speak to him. He fled at lunch and at dinner. He couldn't have made it more obvious and Sirius was getting angry.  
  
Very angry.  
  
How dare Remus not listen to him, at least try to understand? He's supposed to be a friend – how dare he ignore this?  
  
By nighttime, after he had already scrubbed all the bedpans in the hospital wing without magic, the feeling had become a dull ache, never leaving him once, like a faithful yet cruel shadow, following him wherever he went. He was grateful when eleven o'clock came around, and he could leave all pretense and go to bed. At least he could try and escape it all through sleep…  
  
Lying in his bed, curtains shut tightly around him, Sirius couldn't sleep. He heard Peter padding from the door to his bed. He heard him muttering to himself as he changed out of his robes to his pajamas. He heard the swish of the curtains as he got into bed. A minute later, he heard snoring.  
  
Rolling over onto his stomach and groaning, Sirius closed his eyes and tried threatening himself to sleep. That didn't seem to work, either, as it only made him angrier at himself for trying to threaten, well, himself. It was already past midnight… past midnight… With a jolt, he realized that it was Lupercalia.  
  
Damn him.  
  
His ears suddenly picked up a sound. It was unmistakable – those were Remus' footsteps. No one else had such a light and graceful walk. And those footsteps were getting closer. He stopped breathing and listened as the sound of the footsteps ended abruptly, probably a couple of feet away from his bed. Everything went still.  
  
"Sirius?.." Remus' voice was hoarse and slightly shaky.  
  
"What?" He found his wasn't any better.  
  
"Could I… could I talk to you a minute?" Pulling his curtains back automatically, Sirius saw Remus jump at the abruptness of the movement, his face illuminated by the pale light of the waning moon. He was chewing his lip, and his fingers were jerking slightly as they wove strange patterns with one other, but his eyes were fixed steadily on Sirius'. Silently, and quite numbly, Sirius waved his arm inviting Remus to sit on his bed. The other boy didn't appear to move for a second, then with a seeming effort, made his feet shift and in a few seconds Remus' weight sank slightly into the bed, moving Sirius' legs just as slightly towards it. Remus was now facing the window, his fingers still working themselves into a frenzy, his lip still being worried by his teeth.  
  
"Well?" Sirius asked, berating himself for wanting to reach out and comb his hand through Remus' soft hair.  
  
"I've thought about it." Remus began, rather abruptly, turning to Sirius. Sirius' heart once again found its new abode in the vicinity of his throat and his voice box shut off entirely. His fingers tingled and he instinctively clutched his sheets with his fists. He waited. "And I… I love you, Sirius."  
  
Remus' magnificent hazel eyes were looking straight at Sirius' pale blue ones and Sirius found he couldn't look away. He felt that something should be said, right about now, but he couldn't do it, because his voice was gone. His heart was back in his chest and was pounding so loudly, he was sure that Peter could have heard it over his own snoring. His fists clutched the sheets convulsively, and he found himself trembling very slightly. He noticed from somewhere far away that Remus' lip was being completely destroyed, and his eyes were wider than usual. Finally, Sirius found his voice:  
  
"You… love me."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You do."  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"So, you…"  
  
"Yes." The last word was spoken quietly, but with a conviction Sirius couldn't have mistaken – and he didn't want to. He ducked his head, and a strange noise escaped his mouth – was it a sob? Was he choking? He couldn't tell. The only thing he could tell was that a beautiful pale hand was suddenly lifting his chin, and Remus' face was much closer now. A breath away. Sirius was looking straight into his eyes, and they were smiling. "Sirius, I love you. I want you to be my mate."  
  
"Remus…" But whatever he was going to say next was drowned out by a kiss. The slightly chewed up yet still the softest lips he'd ever felt were on his own, hesitantly cajoling him to respond. He did. His hands found themselves entangled in silky light brown hair, and his lips opened up for Remus'. A moan escaped both their throats as their tongues touched, plunging to get in deeper, to feel deeper, to discover more of that taste. Sirius felt trembling fingers cupping his face, thumbs smoothing his cheeks, eyelashes tickling softly just under his eyes. It was all he could do to not stop time.  
  
Finally breaking off the kiss, Sirius refused to let Remus get away, leaving his forehead pressed to his friend's. Both their breathing was harsh and ragged, and Sirius thought he would melt right with it.  
  
"Moony…"  
  
"Padfoot…"  
  
"Why did you…"  
  
"I was scared, Sirius. I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me, I was… You have no idea what it's like to know that you've got no choice." Remus sat back a little and took Sirius' hands in his own. His face was set and his eyes seemed to have taken on that haunted look they got in them around the time of the full moon. "To know that you cannot take your time about it. Or that once that choice is made it's final. Lupercalia is another reminder of my being a beast, a wolf, even if I am human most of the time. It's unfair and I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to deal with it, Sirius. You bringing it up was… too abrupt, it was too soon."  
  
"But I told you that I loved you, why didn't you..."  
  
"Because I didn't believe it. Because it was too much like the reality I wanted. I have wanted you for so long, that it had become an ingrained fantasy, it just couldn't be true. For a while there, I thought it might have been a joke…" Sirius began to protest, but Remus silenced him with a hand to his lips. "I know. I then thought that even if it wasn't, you had no idea what you were doing. This is forever, Sirius, do you understand that? For life."  
  
"I understand. And I want it, Remus. I want you."  
  
"I know."  
  
Sirius breathed out. Remus squeezed his hands a little harder. He cleared his throat: "Sirius… will you be my mate?"  
  
"God, yes!"  
  
Their lips met once again, frantic in their movements, tongues intertwining, caressing, cajoling. Sirius clutched Remus closer to him, his hands wrapping his waist tightly, pulling on the robes for more contact. Remus' hands were fisted around Sirius' t-shirt, at his chest. Neither one wanted to break contact, but as air was also essential if they wanted to continue anything later, they pulled away reluctantly.  
  
"Am I your mate, then?" Sirius asked, caressing the small of Remus' back with his large hand.  
  
"Not yet."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Well…" he saw Remus' cheeks flush slightly. "You will be. You are sure about this, aren't you Sirius?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"All right then…" Remus closed his eyes halfway and leaned in. His hands wrapped around Sirius' neck gently, and he brought his mouth down just below Sirius' jaw. Sirius closed his eyes, waiting. He felt hot breath on his neck and the next moment, a tender bite to the left of his Adam's apple. No pain, only tenderness. He gave a slight moan as soft lips brushed the spot they'd just bitten and took Remus' face in his hands, bringing it level with his.  
  
"Am I?" A nod. He sighed and gently kissed Remus' lips. "God, Remus. Why didn't you believe me?"  
  
"Why did you want me?" He asked in turn.  
  
"God, you silly git, stupid wonderful prat…"  
  
The night had definitely begun to Sirius' satisfaction, and as clothes left bodies, bodies found sheets, and sheets found themselves tangled, it proved to be more than he ever had dreamed or hoped for. When they made love, they came together, crying out their joy into each other's joined lips, and feeling like if this was forever, they could certainly live well into eternity.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The next morning, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew awoke to find that one of their number was missing. His bed was untouched and the pieces of parchment that had occupied it last night were still in place. Confused, James padded over to Sirius' bed, yanking the curtains open with a flourish.  
  
"Oh!.."  
  
He didn't think his face had ever felt hotter, and that included the first time Lily had kissed him in front of his parents.  
  
"James, would you mind shutting the curtains? It's too damn bright," muttered Sirius, who seemed to have been buried under lots of sweaty sheets and a sleeping Remus. A sleeping naked Remus. "Oh, and, by the way, Happy Lupercalia," he grinned.  
  
"Happy what?!"  
  
"Ask Lily, she'll know." With that James Potter was shut off from Sirius by a swish of scarlet curtain. A moment later the whole of Gryffindor Tower was awakened abruptly by a crazed Quidditch Captain's yell:  
  
"LILY!!!!"  
  
  
  
~fin~ 


End file.
